The top bogan baby names of 2019
Get comfortable and feast your eyes upon this fresh batch of bogan gems.
I won't reveal my sources, but I promise you there are real-life babies with these names hanging over their heads.
ANOMALY. The first rule of baby naming is: Google it before you ink it (on a birth certificate). I can only assume that Anomaly's mum didn't hear about this crucial stipulation. If she had, she probably would've decided against a word that means "one that is abnormal or does not fit in."
ANTWOHNETTE. Oooohhh, this must be the long-lost sister of one of my favourite bogan babies of all time: Anfernee! Nothing tickles me more than when parents take a regular name and alter the spelling to make it look as bogan as it sounds when they say it. Classic.
CHARMAYANNE. OK, so you took "Charmaine" and you sliced it and diced it until it was truly fit for the trailer park. Fine. But what is with that extra "A"?! Is it still pronounced "Charmaine" or am I supposed to say "Char-MAY-anne?" Or "Char-MY-un"? I need a Nurofen.
PANDA. NOPE! Not a name. I checked the Big Book of Acceptable Baby Names and Panda is definitely not in there. What kind of surname does this even work with? Panda Anderson? Panda Campbell? Nope. No. Nunh-unh.
SIANNA-MARRIE. When you really want to make your child's life difficult, you take two misspelt names and mash them together with a hyphen. Poor Sianna-Marrie will waste 4752 precious hours of her life* spelling her mutilated moniker to the world (*approximate statistic).
SNOWDROP. I thought these parents had annoyingly combined "snowflake" and "raindrop", but it turns out a snowdrop is a flower. I'll give them half a point for choosing a name that actually means something instead of making one up, but it's way too cutesy for a human. Rejected.
STARLETTE. Oh, dear. A "starlet" is a doe-eyed aspiring actress - not exactly a solid meaning to begin with. Add a useless "-ette" at the end for an extra dash of girlish charm and you've completely lost me.
VELVETTE. Can you imagine twins named Starlette and Velvette? I wish it was true, but alas they're two separate people. I just don't know whether to pronounce them like the original words or like a Corvette? So much brain confusion.
VIN'NYLA. I truly don't know what to make of this. Vin is a diminutive of the male name Vincent meaning "conquering", while Nyla is a female Arabic moniker that means "winner". There's a definite hero vibe going on here, but why are they combined with an apostrophe? Are they the grandparents' names? I guess we'll never know..
WINDY. If you can keep your mind off fart jokes and see this for what it probably is - a reference to the wind - you're probably still wondering why anyone would name a child after such an irritating element. How about Sunny? Or even Rain? Windy just gives me the chills.
BRAYAN. Is it Bryan? BRAY-un? Bray-ANN - a girl's name? This is one of those modern inventions that gives teachers permanent migraines and leaves everyone else scratching their heads.
KANAAN. I investigated this one and found out it's a variation of Cannon (!). I didn't know either of those were human appellations, but Kanaan is all kinds of wrong. I can't stop saying "Can-ANN" even though I know I should be saying "Cannon." Me no likey.
KAIRO. Oh, for crying out loud. I'm already not a fan of naming a child after a place just because it sounds exotic, but butchering the spelling to make it look more modern and "youneek" is taking it one step too far.
PLUTO. Pluto reminds me of a full planet that was recently demoted to a dwarf planet and a goofy cartoon dog, but not a human boy. I seriously couldn't keep a straight face if I had to address as baby as "Pluto".
PRECISE. This is not a name, silly billies! It's a word that means "exact" or "accurate" and it puts way too much pressure on the bearer to get everything right. It's entirely unsuitable on a birth certificate.
SINCERE. OK, get this… Sincere is Precise's brother! I'm not even joking! After placing the unreasonable expectation on Precise to always be right, these parents decided to pressure their second-born into always telling the truth. These kids will need therapy for sure.
TENYSI. If your brain has been unable to make sense of this, it's a misspelling of Tennessee. Bahaha! Just when I think I've seen it all, some crafty parents come up with this next-level shizz.
TIGGER. Aw, how cute! The baby and his favourite stuffed toy have the same name! NOT CUTE. This poor child will one day turn into a full-blown adult named Tigger. I can almost 100 percent guarantee he will never become a CEO.
TOKYO. This one was reported to me by a friend who was laughing hysterically as she told me. Her very Aussie neighbour has always been heavy-handed with the racial slurs, and next thing you know she's named her baby Tokyo! Oh, the irony.
WIATT. I was already dumbfounded that celebrities such as Goldie Hawn and Sheryl Crow had bestowed such an old-school southern name as Wyatt on their sons… and then Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher named their daughter Wyatt too! But misspelling it with an "I" is just too much for me. I wave the white flag on this edition of bogan baby names.
Until next time, fellow bogan watchers.
This originally appeared on Kidspot and has been republished with permission.