Something men should never do on a date
Overblown cheating claims are used to mask an underwhelming episode of The Bachelorette on Thursday night while the bewildering moment of a man drinking a cosmopolitan like it's no big deal just goes completely ignored.
The Bachelorette is nothing if not a finger-on-the-pulse study of current social trends. So when a man drinks a cosmopolitan, it's a big deal. It'd be like seeing a dog walk its owner or James Packer driving a Mitsubishi Mirage. A second take is warranted and questions need to be asked.
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Last night, I wrote my one deal-breaker is people with really pronounced nail wick but I'd like to add a second: men who drink cosmopolitans. It just shouldn't happen. Especially in public. And on camera.
It's bad enough hearing a man order a pinot grigio. But a cosmopolitan? A hot pink cocktail served in a martini glass with a twirl of orange rind?
Suddenly, we're not on a date with Elly and Frazer anymore. It's a Sex & The City gabfest between Miranda and Carrie.
The next day we're taken to an obstacle course for a group date and it's more punishing than a hangover after a night of bottomless cosmopolitans.
The girls are wearing wedding dresses for reasons we don't understand and the boys are split into Team Elly and Team Becky.
"Things I'd prefer to be doing rather than an obstacle course? Pretty much anything," one guy says.
Things we'd prefer to be doing rather than watching people do an obstacle course? Pretty much anything.
Adrian's given the job of referee because he's "on antibiotics" and we can't help but wonder if an ointment's also involved. He has a crush on Becky and ensures her team wins by penalising all of Elly's guys.
That guy who loves cosmos is livid. "Adrian has cheated! Blatantly cheated! It's disgraceful!"
No, what's disgraceful is we're almost an hour into this episode and not a single compelling thing has happened. You better believe producers were excited when that guy who loves cosmos started throwing words around like "cheating" because, without that, they'd have barely had an episode let alone a promo.
At the cocktail party, Joe surprises Elly with a private dinner and tensions run high as the boys jostle for time.
"I'm here for me and I'm here for Elly and I'm not gonna let anything stand in my way," James says.
Honestly, it's hard to be threatened by a guy wearing a ladies' necklace.
On every series of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, there's always one bozo who gets tricked by producers into reading an earnest extract from their personal diary. This year's bozo is the guy wearing the necklace.
His voice shakes as he shares his hopes and dreams with Elly.
Then he goes for a bold ending. "PS. You're so bloody sexy day in and trackies-and-uggies out."
It doesn't quite make sense but we get the general gist. He then gifts her a necklace. Not the Sportsgirl one he's wearing - a different one. Elly graciously accepts the rock that's bound to a piece of scrap leather.
The guy who said he didn't wanna do the obstacle course is booted out at the rose ceremony. It's probably because of his bad attitude about the obstacle course - and coincidentally, that's why we liked him.
James is convinced the diary entry is what saved him.
"It just shows the love letter paid off," he nods.
And he's totally right. Girls love nothing more than guys who read them their diary entries while wearing necklaces. And drinking cosmopolitans.
Originally published as Something men should never do on a date