‘Slept with him!’: ‘Cheating’ wife exposed
Several men gang up on a Married At First Sight wife and attempt to expose her "cheating" and sex life in a bizarre witch hunt that's on par with the one Australia launched against Pete Evans for being paleo.
"This is a disaster," John Aiken sighs while watching it unfold on CCTV in the basement.
"She's making a fool out of him and the group," Dr Trisha gasps, before Mel Schilling dutifully adds, " … and the experiment!"
Oh guys. It's really cute when the experts suggest the past six years of this show haven't been a disastrous joke.
But before we tie a virgin to a stake and demand she hand over her spell book, we have to deal with Drew and KC. She's upset because he called her materialistic.
"And?" we stare blankly at her.
"Just because I like to look nice and like a guy to take control and take me to dinner and pay for dinner … that to you is a turn off?" she sobs to her husband. OK. We were wrong. KC's not here for Insta followers. She's hear for a free feed - and that is a motive I can respect.
"I'm thinking about when I have kids … if I have a little daughter," Drew explains. "The fact that you've had your boobs done and your lips and your Botox … and she gets to 13 and wants to start doing stuff like that. I would do everything to make her feel beautiful so she didn't have to do any of that. And that's where it affects me."
What an accusation. KC may be materialistic but she's not an idiot. As if she'd give her baby a boob job! She wouldn't want her daughter looking better than her.
KC's upset. We just can't really tell because all the Botox is preventing her from showing her emotion.
Down the hall, Michael is creating drama - mainly to distract Stacey from remembering he's a complete jag-nugget.
"I'm in an awkward position," he says.
"Your ice cube kingdom is melting?" we inquire.
"I was in the lobby and Ivan walked in," he continues. "He really likes Aleks and she has just cut it off with him. The fact she woke up and said, 'Ivan I don't have romantic feelings for you anymore' … I just find that bizarre."
Last time we saw Aleks, she had suddenly decided she was no longer into Ivan. The fact this realisation coincided with the day she saw his drab ground-floor apartment is just pure coincidence. Stacey sits in silence, trying to figure out how this boring story relates to her.
Finally, Michael gets to the point.
"She has slept with Ivan. Aleks has told me they've slept with each other. Aleks told me they had sex," he declares. "Aleks has definitely tried to hide it from the whole group and she has forced Ivan to lie. She's making him look like an idiot in front of the whole group."
As we all remember, Ivan and Aleks have been denying they've had sex and refusing to talk about it. At first we don't believe Michael because who the hell would voluntarily talk to Michael let alone openly divulge sexual confessions to him? But then Stacey snaps back to attention and confirms Aleks also admitted it to her.
"I don't know what is real and what is fake anymore," Michael sighs.
"Well, your Balinese Rolex for starters," we exhale while walking out to steal the car that's waiting to take them to the dinner party.
When we arrive, Aleks is banging on to anyone who will listen about how she and Ivan are now just friends and not romantically compatible and she does it all within earshot of her husband while he sits alone and eats cheese.
As if that's not sad enough, the experts start Goggleboxing him.
"Ohhhh he's hoeing into the cheese!" John Aiken guffaws.
"Ahhh, he's taking comfort in food," Mel Schilling gasps.
Look, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if you've never inhaled your own personal cheese platter, you haven't lived.
We shove everyone into the dining room and distribute the individual carafes of wine and, within seconds, Michael is launching his attack on Aleks. She thinks she's being interrogated about her sudden lack of feelings for Ivan, but quickly realises it's about her sex claims. The colour drains from her face. She knows her religious Serbian parents are watching this on TV and she has been trying to limit any admissions of sex during this whole experiment. But now, she is painted into a corner and Michael goes and reveals the details of a secret conversation.
"You told me you slept with him!" he snarls across the table.
"No I didn't! I haven't slept with Ivan, no! Why would I lie about that?" she fires back before Michael cuts her off and presses harder.
Then Josh suddenly steps in and reveals the details of his private conversations.
"I've heard from both of you guys that you have!" he says.
Honestly, there's, like, 15 cameramen on this show. Why are none of them recording these secret conversations? Either way, the experts are annoyed because Michael has gotten Aleks to talk about sex when they tried and failed at Sunday's commitment ceremony.
"Oh, so they've told other people they've been intimate" they snicker, gleefully watching Aleks's downfall because witches get stitches.
Aleks storms off and Ivan runs after her. The dinner party has reached an ugly point that can't be reversed. We turn to KC to try and diffuse the tension.
"So," we sigh, pushing her hair back behind her shoulders. "We hear you wanna give your baby a boob job."
Meanwhile, Lizzie and Seb keep running around the room boasting that they've had sex and we all keep shuddering and telling them to go away and eat a handbag biscuit. Right now we're only concerned with outing the sex lives of people who really don't want to talk about it. Jeez, have a bit of awareness.
Apparently outing Aleks's sex life was just phase one of Michael's witch hunt.
"That wasn't half of what could've been brought up. I didn't even bring up everything," he tells the table. "When I was in the lobby yesterday, Aleks was coming back from a date with a bloke."
"Did she cheat on him?" Jonethen gasps.
"Yeah!" Michael declares.
By now, Mishel has consumed her personal carafe of wine and is very confused. She reveals she and Aleks went to some kind of Serbian fair one day and met a hot guy.
"We met a guy that apparently drives a Ferrari. And who really likes Aleks. She can't see what's in front of her and instead she's falling for some wanker who's got a car. He's probably got a small dick," she stutters to us before wobbling up to Aleks and revealing the rumour.
Aleks is appalled - even more appalled than we were when we heard Lizzie and Seb's sex confession. She bolts up and pledges to melt that Ice Cube King.
"So I went on a date? Are you f**king serious?" she yells while stalking down the side of the table. "Why would I lie about that? I didn't go on a date the other night. I met a girl about two weeks ago with Mishel and we went to a Serbian event and listened to some Serbian music. She took me to a Serbian restaurant and the owner sat with us. He's about 50 or 60, I don't know. That wasn't a romantic date with a man - I was with a woman and another guy who's 50 years old."
Hmm. Well. Case closed on that rumour. But what do we do with the rest of the night? We chuck a U-turn and berate her about her sex life again!
"Ivan rang us up stressed out," Josh informs the table. "He was saying, 'This chick has done a 180 … she has friend-zoned me, this is bullshit. She's saying there's no passion but in reality there has been passion. We've been rooting like rabbits for weeks!'"
He then reveals Ivan asked him and Michael to ask Aleks about their sex life in front of the group tonight so Australia would stop thinking Ivan is just a virgin who can't drive. But Ivan denies all of it.
"Feels like we just got used. I feel a bit bloody used to be bloody honest with ya," Josh fumes.
Aleks has had it. She shoots up on her feet again, even though all this dramatic sitting and standing is making her tiny skin-tight dress ride up in unfortunate areas. It's hard to be huffy when you have to keep adjusting your hem.
"Ivan, I'm leaving," she announces. "The fact you have brought up something that's not true to the boys and asked them to ask me to get it out and protect your manlihood … That has shown me a lot."
Murmurs drift around the table. Some people believe Aleks and Ivan have had sex. Others think Ivan set up Michael and Josh to look like the bad guys so he could swoop in and win Aleks back.
What is real? And more importantly, what's fake? We're only sure of one thing: Michael's Rolex is from Bali.