DISTRACTION: Hey look over there at the pretty lady who owns all those dragons.
DISTRACTION: Hey look over there at the pretty lady who owns all those dragons. Contributed

Scientific report warns that ...hey is that a dragon?

THIS week in Paris a whole bunch of scientists got together to release a report that is sure to bore the pants off the world.

The majority of the words used in the report have up to four syllables in them, such that you won't even want to read it and most of the world's leaders will go to great lengths not to read it or have ever heard of it should some lefty journalist ask about it.

There are graphs galore, more bullet points than the shoot out at Glenrowan, pie charts, columns of figures and more tables than a Harvey Norman furniture sale.

The report is around 1800 pages long, with no pictures, and worst of all it has footnotes clogging everything up with additional science and the people explaining it on the news, if it even makes the news, will be foreign, possibly with thick accents, some may even speak in other languages.

The report will be so excruciating we'll be relieved to get to the sports news where sports people using words of one syllable and incomplete sentences will reckon that at the end of the day after giving 110 per cent, it is better to have won than lost.

The report from the snappily named Intergovernmental Science-Policy Platform on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services (IPBES) is warning that everyone alive today, as well as the wildlife, our pets, our kids, our grand kids and their kids, will be cactus unless we stop buggering up the environment and natural world.

The egg heads also recommend we have a red hot go at NOT making extinct the plants, insects and other creatures we depend on for food, pollination, clean water and a stable climate.

This IPBES yawn fest comes hard on the heels of last year's joy killer from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) warning we have only 12 years to do something before the climate heats up to the point where we are once again cactus.

These scientists are getting to be as pesky as those kiddies that keep going out on school strikes and turning up at pollies' offices.

But never fear, Reckoners are here. The Reckoners (as we have discussed previously) are our conservative friends in the media, unions, industry and government who reckon that climate change might be a bit overdone, reckon that kids should be in school and not worrying about their future, reckon our economy will collapse if we stop using fossil fuels and reckon life will be just fine as long as those dividend cheques from the mining shares keep arriving.

And reckoning is a lot simpler, cheaper and more convenient than research and facts made up by all those Maserati-driving academics, which are an absolute pain in the arse to live with.

Besides those climate change figures are a bit dodgy aren't they? I've got a mate who works at a PR company in Canberra who heard that a scientist somewhere made a mistake in their data collection a few years back or they falsified their stationery order, something like that, so I reckon we better chuck all that science-y stuff out.

Yep, I reckon that'll be for the best. Hey, look over there at the pretty lady with all the scary dragons!