NUTJOBS: Its all coming horribly into focus
NUTJOBS: Its all coming horribly into focus Christian Morrow

Need help sorting ratbags from scumbags?

I WAS sitting in my local cafe, cogitating over my latte, trying to decide if I should order the kale infused turmeric eggs or turmeric infused quail eggs. But I was having trouble reading the small print on the menu.

A cold panic hit me. How soon could I get new glasses? I'm going to need them come Saturday to sort the Ratbags from the Scumbags on the big Upper House ballot paper.

Our Lower House is pretty straight-forward - a bunch of decent people all wanting the best for Ballina. All have made promises they may or may not be able to keep, to attack the vexed issue of pothole-induced climate change. Just choose your poison.

There are two ways to handle polling day - eyes front, ignoring everyone, or take all the How to Vote cards from everyone, then return them to the wrong party afterwards, assuring the hapless politico Oompa Loompa you definitely voted for their candidate.

But if the Upper House ballot paper was a bar of chocolate it would be labelled "Definitely contains nut jobs".

Chief among the nut jobs is One Nation's Toxic Alpha Male, Mark Latham, a man who wants DNA testing to see how Aboriginal a person may be, to stop welfare fraud. The proportion of people who may be carrying out such a fraud would be minimal, but the amount of media coverage garnered and the insult to Indigenous people is massive - exactly what Mark and the "Onesies" were hoping for.

Then lurking right in number one position on the ballot paper, in the Donkey Vote box seat, are the Shooters, Fishers and Farmers Party (Shooters being the operative word). Their long game is watering down NSW Gun Laws so we can all have access to automatic weapons like the ones we saw deployed with such deadly efficiency in Christchurch last week.


Donkey voters just number the boxes left to right, and if they do this Saturday, we could end up with two Shooters and Latham and his "Onesies" holding the balance of power purely due to voter laziness.

When it comes to endorsements - just don't be a chocolate munching donkey. I really can't be any clearer than that.